Eastered

“Awakening is not a thing. It is not a goal, not a concept. It is not something to be attained. It is a metamorphosis. If the caterpillar thinks about the butterfly it is to become, saying ‘And then I shall have wings and antennae,’ there will never be a butterfly. The caterpillar must accept its own disappearance in its transformation. When the marvelous butterfly takes wing, nothing of the caterpillar remains.”
― Alejandro Jodorowsky

Suddenly, in an instant or more like a year,

a transformation moved over me, settled upon me, unfolded within so slowly I couldn't even recognize that it was happening.

I can remember as I stand and reflect.  I can almost feel it again.

I recall It---- Darkness moving over my spirit,

removing any hint of light and finding myself

LOST

Lost within myself,

Lost and Unconnected,

Lost and ready to Leave...Leave it All.

I continued to walk

not knowing how my next step my occur...not really knowing if I could or wanted to continue but somehow

I did.

I traveled to the very edge

stood for a moment

thought about it

and

cried out...

cried out 

to something or someone or anything

to send me 

something 

anything

anyone

who might

Save me.

Darkness came over

Fog settled on my thinking process,

a film covered my ability to see see clearly

and

I stopped for a bit...

and

I found myself

entombed within myself.

Lost

 I waited

waited for a long time

what seemed forever for 

You to come

and

you did

rag around your charcoal hair,

African Accent

and

you said,

when you put your feet on the ground

:praise God you are alive:

....

and 

I was Eastered

eastered up from the darkness

pulled forth into the light

oh it didn't occur over night

it has taken a while

to walk out

walk into the light of resurrection

but

I 

am there

moving forth from my resting place

into the world

to be 

fully 

known

by name

fully seen

fully present

and

as 

someone one said,

Life...

it is Good....and I'm glad I get to do it.

Thankful for Resurrections of all kinds

Thankful for Sonshine that calls me forth

Thankful

for Easter moments 

that 

cause 

us

to be recreated, rebirthed, risen if you will

into a better version--a transformed version--of who we were created to be..

So thankful...

I've been Eastered...over and over and over again.

May you too

feel Easter resurrection

on this 

Holy Sunday...

Blessings

The Radical Rambler

ps. don't eat too much chocolate

Holding our Breath

Christmas and Easter can be subjects for poetry, but Good Friday, like Auschwitz, cannot. The reality is so horrible it is not surprising that people should have found it a stumbling block to faith."
— W.H. Auden

Silence fills the void

as we wait

holding our breath

on the cusp

of 

the evening dusk.

Meal shared with friends

betrayal

rejection

pain

suffering

and

then

finally reaching the 

bottomless pit of despair as we hear those words from a distant past

"it is finished"

the sound of silence

supports us

through the night.

and we wait on the edge of hope 

praying 

for

Resurrection Sunday

to come again.

may it be so...

for all of us...

The radical rambler 

may the Mystery Unfold.....

"Love is everything it's cracked up to be. 

That's why people are so cynical about it...It really is worth fighting for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, 

if you don't risk everything, you risk even more."- Erica Jong

It is Thursday and it is not just the typical kind of Thursday.

First, we dropped off color daughter at the airport this morning.  She is currently in the air on the way to China for a week.  Big Daddy and I did everything we could to embarrass her at the airport.  We yelled her name and gave the love symbol as she went through security and then as she got through she stood and stared and suddenly Big Daddy and I gave her the big heart draw in the air followed by our off color jerk dance..The heart draw is what we one time saw on a prison documentary.  Two of the female prisoners were in love and both being housed in opposite sides of the prison, when one would get her time outside she would stand at the opposite side of the yard while inmate number one stood on her bed to gaze out the window.   At just the right moment they would draw big hearts in the air and the one would yell, "I heart you!"  It has become one of our "warm fuzzy" ways of embarrassing the children.  The jerk dance is what we'd do at her band concerts when she looked at us.  Once one of her friends asked her to look at those weird people in the stands dancing to the music and off color daughter said, " I was too embarrassed to tell them those weird folks were my parents!"

Well she is off and just like when they go to school--you kiss them good by and place them into the hands of the Universe and pray for their protection. I have no doubt, China will never be the same!!!  And for sure there will be more stories to share.

It is a table talkin' kind of day.  Tonight, millions of folks practicing the Christian faith will gather in a place, break bread and remember part of the reason they "faith".

Loaves will be broken.

Wine or grape juice will be passed or served.  They will taste sweet or bitter on their tongue that has been coated with a doughy taste of flour and yeast and then they all wait...

wait for the Mystery of Life to unfold inside.

Sometimes

it is just an plain old bite of wonder bread---nothing happens---or so it seems

other times

there is an energy

a spark

a nourishing moment

when

"something"

hits a dry spot in our being

and

revives it

resurrects it if you will.

I really don't understand IT...

that thing

that Mystery of sorts...

but 

IT sustains me in ways and fashions I can't even begin to articulate.

I've been thinking today--doing a bit of soul searching about  who I wouldn't like to invite to the meal...who I have felt betrayed by...hurt by...injured by...about who I'd like to exclude

and

I wonder

wonder 

what kind of healing might take place

if just for a sacred moment

I starred across the room and saw

those who I'd rather not be with

all breaking bread and partaking in 

a Mysterious Banquet of sort

I mean

they have a place at the table just like me

they are loved just like me

they are valued just like me

and

yet

yet I wrestle 

with 

forgiveness and granting grace and mercy

and

risking

love.

The teacher

broke bread with

lepers,

tax collectors,

crazy folks-like me,

people who sold him out,

people who pretended not to know or understand his gifts...

The teacher broke bread

shared the cup

told the story 

lived the story

and

then 

washed 

their dirty feet.

I wonder...

just wonder...

how I might be changed...

if

I shared a bit of bread,

poured another cup and passed it on around

to my estranged brothers and sisters and people I'd just as soon not see...

wonder

what might happen if 

I risked enough

to see and touch and know them

risked getting underneath all that stuff we place upon our spirit

wonder 

what they might teach me

how I might grow

how the world might be transformed...

if

I

might risk

sharing bread

drinking drink

washing feet

and

allowing the Mystery

to heal and unfold.

May it be so

on this Holy Thursday!!!!

may the Mystery rise up

and

grab hold of you

the rambling rambler

Step Into it...Life

When the Soul wants to experience something

 she throws out an image in front of her

 and then steps into it."
— Meister Eckhart

I am not feeling so peaceful this morning.  I'm trying to find it but I can feel the anxiety swirling inside my stomach.  I tell myself--live what you preach---and I swear to you... I am trying.

It has been a good week in the off-color house. 

 So let's get the off-color update out of the way:

Off Color Daughter:  BEWARE!!!!  She passed her driving test on Monday.   It was pouring down rain once again and when I got the phone call at work, I could hear tears in her voice---she is quite the prankster.  "I didn't pass again...almost....I did better, but Dad says he won't bring me next week.  Can you?  I pull out my work schedule to see what day I might do a late morning and suddenly she says..."Gottcha! I passed."

She then proceeded to tell me the only bad thing that happened was the fact that she almost hit a pedestrian who ran into the street from between two cars.  I asked what she did and she said, "Well I slammed on my breaks and said, "Sh$*".  The instructor/tester didn't even see him."  So off-color daughter--she is driving!!! OMG.

Big Daddy is a bit nervous because we talked him into letting her drive his car for the next two weeks--seems Big Bertha is a bit too big for a new driver.  Big Daddy---your so nice!!!!

Additionally Off-color daughter has a new prom dress and one day if she let's me, I'll tell you how she rudely ignored a prom invite while driving!!!  She is too funny and often a bit "too rude".

She leaves for China in 72 hours for 9 days---in case your wondering---I do believe my anxiety is coming from the fact that the baby bird is flying away and mama will not be able to fly with her!!!!  oh the growing one has to do!!!!

Off color son:  He rented his tux and has a girl on his side. Prom is in a few weeks and I'm sure we will have more updates as that nears.  He is leaving for Florida with a group of his friends on Friday, a senior road trip of sorts!!!  another reason for my anxiety ridden stomach---another baby bird is flying the nest.

You also know that means we will have sole custody of Simba--Glitzy Dog from inside the gates of Hell!!!

Seems Glitzy Dog got into some food he should not have eaten and was up sick all night----off color son says, I hope my room is not destroyed forever--I cleaned it up but I'm worried.  This was the first time I know he's had to clean up and accident--seems mama bird had her earplugs in because of the NCAA basketball blaring in her bedroom as she was trying to sleep and did not hear her 911 text from off color son.  Oh well---little birds do have to learn to clean up big messes along the way!!!!

Big Daddy---Big Daddy is now 50 and still pretty damn sexy hot.

We spent a week of celebrating---cake and pie and dinner out--1 pound latter Big daddy is still 50 and I'm one pound heavier!!!!

We went away to a state park for an overnight get away.  We hiked and played and slept and relaxed.  It was nice...very nice....

Whew!!!  It has been a long week and I realize 

that I'll get through the week this week..seems tomorrow always comes.

I just have to trust 

that I'll get through it.

Big Daddy and I hiked what we thought was going to be a short trail--it turned out to be pretty demanding and longer than we'd anticipated but led us to the breathtaking water fall in the photo above-----as we rounded the bend next to the lake,

large rocks rose up along the shore and trees slammed against the rocks as if they were pixie sticks.....the river running so fast, moving and rolling along time, flowing from there to somewhere i'll never know.....

as we rounded the last bend we could hear the sound of water hitting and suddenly in sight 

was the falls...

and

we both stood in awe

awe of rock and color

of water and space

of sight and sound

and 

paid homage to a Mystery of Creation.

So perhaps...

just perhaps..

in the midst of this crazy week

perhaps 

if i travel long enough,

keep putting one toe in front of the other

and

quit worrying about all the 

"what if's" that are really out of my control...

perhaps..

perhaps..

I'll be surprised again

with 

a moment

of 

Mystery!

for 

life just moves on along 

just like the river

rolling and turning and splashing

and we go with it

so perhaps...

perhaps..

instead of resisting and trying to figure it all out..

perhaps...

I'll just step into it this morning

and

Be!

Have a Happy Monday and 

be a great day!!!

Blessings..

The Radical Rambler

OFF COLOR Driving (Life) Lessons......

 “When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was THE key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life” 

~ John Lennon

It has been awhile since we've had an off color update, but it is about time I do believe--I'm sure you've missed them.  I am able to include this in my blog because off color daughter--my Siamese twin has given me permission.  Off Color daughter has been dragging her feet when it comes to getting her drivers license....She is nervous about driving.  Finally as a year with her permit is approaching, she decided or we helped her decide it was time to go get a license---basically I told her that my sexy hot taxi cab was closing down for drop off at yoga, zumba and friend pickup....

She knew I wasn't telling the truth, but it did make me feel like I might be trying to give her a push. 

Finally last week she decided that she'd go give it a try.  Now let me just say, after having birthed two children within 12 months of each other, I must say I am continually amazed at how two people who are derived from the same two genetic gene pools can out wired so differently.  Off color son who is more quiet and introverted took his permit the first day and if I remember correctly was caught driving a time or two before getting his license--it sucks when your parents have done a thing or two (Big Daddy always knows when they are trying to pull something--I hate to admit it but I'm the gullible one in the family---they can really pull stuff over on me).  

When he started driving, he was cocky.  He was the best driver in the world and nobody--not even me could convince him that he didn't know everything.  He seems to have started driving one handed and sometimes blindfolded--seems nothing bothered him.

He was always ready to drive alone or to some place and often it was me trying to hold him back.

Now off color daughter---she is like a spider monkey---clinging to us--not wanting to drive herself.  We've pulled her off and finally we made an appointment.

Big Daddy took her last Monday....bless her little heart....

now I don't know if you'll recall but this 

brilliant kid had trouble passing the permit test---

she was over thinking it....I told her she'd have to pretend to be dumb to pass and we chose one of her "not so intellectual friends" and had her pretend to be her for the next taking.  Here is an example of what she asked me after the permit test...

"They asked about a small motor vehicle on the road.....what do they mean?  Are they talking about a Prius or a moped or a lawnmower...I don't know what the hell a small motor vehicle means."  I'll never forget when she called me at work and said, "guess who got their permit today?"  

I said, "you".

She said, "nope, the girl in front of me!"

Well Monday I get a call after she and Big Daddy went to take the test.  It was storming and pouring rain and the phone rang.  "Well I didn't pass the test."  I simply said, 'oh well--we will practice this week and you can do it again next week."  

She had videotaped her test and she let me listen to part of it.

You can hear the rain hitting the windshield and the rhythmic swiping of the wiper blades.  I hear the instructor saying, "Now don't be anxious, we're not in a hurry just drive safe" and lots of silence broken by rain and wipers.  

She fast forwards to the end and I hear him saying, "You have the techniques down but you are trying too hard.  You are gripping the wheel too tight and pushing it.  You just need to practice a bit more and try it again."  

Big Daddy said, "He (the policeman) said she is just too anxious and needs some more practice.  You'll understand when you see how she parked in the parking lot."

Big Daddy said when he went to get the car, it was parked right in the center of two parking spaces, center line down the middle"...seems off color daughter does things as she likes and doesn't like living in the lines of life--she gets that honest as well.

so off color daughter will take her test again on Monday--world if you have some place to be---do it Sunday!!! 

I think if she thinks about it...she may have learned some life lessons from not passing that test...

1.  you can't aways get what you want.....you can try sometimes..(Big Daddy and I used to sing this to the kids all the time)

and it is true....sometimes life is filled with disappointments and the failures and the true measure of your character is not what you do in the moments of disappointment--it is what you might do 

in the next day when you still have to get out of bed and walk another day.....and the world sees your disappointment or you tears or your really bad crying face.

2.  Life gets stormy and confusing sometimes and anxiety can and does over take us-------breathe----it all will pass eventually and it is never as bad as you imagine in your head....

so what--- you get to practice again and soon you'll be driving alone---you will miss my good conversations and my excellent singing with dance moves!!!  you'll see!  True!

3. If you don't get something right, there are very few times that along the way you don't get a chance to try again.  Listen to those around you and take in their words of wisdom.  Loosen up as the instructor said....go with the flow....relax.  Just drive.

So dear off color daughter

I know you'll be driving soon...

relax

and

while I know it bothered you..

just an itty bitty little bit

I was proud of the way you have just kept walking--not driving--but walking.

Stop

relax

loosen up...

just drive and yeah and don't forget to turn you wheels when you park on the hill and learn where that emergency brake is located.

You'll be smiling when they take your picture...

what I really want you to know is this---it isn't the driving lesson that is most important---it is the life lessons you learn from it---

and by the way

failing your driving test the first time must be in the genetic pool---

I know another sexy hot thing that failed her driving test as well---but we won't mention my name.

as always and forever

I love you dear Siamese twin!

in the end---Happy is what I want for you!

The off color Siamese twins after running the 5K Color me Rad!!!!!

that is dye from the color bombs on our teeth and clothes!

Have a wonderful Friday...

blessings...

the radical rambler

BTW:  BIG DADDY IS TURNING 50...TUESDAY!!!

SO I'M SURE THERE WILL BE MORE OFF COLOR STORIES TO FOLLOW

HERE at home....

I'M GONNA TAKE A DEEP BREATH....

I BELIEVE I HAVE INSIDE OF ME
EVERYTHING THAT I NEED TO LIVE A BOUNTIFUL LIFE.
WITH ALL THE LOVE ALIVE IN ME
I'LL STAND AS TALL AS THE TALLEST TREE.
AND I'M
THANKFUL FOR EVERYDAY THAT I'M GIVEN,
BOTH THE EASY AND HARD ONES I'M LIVIN'.
BUT MOST OF ALL
I'M THANKFUL FOR
LOVING WHO I REALLY AM.....AND I'M HERE.
[Source of information - www.angelrecords.com/colorpurple/lyrics.pdf]

I've always been getting from there to there

straight line toward something 

even though most of the time I didn't know 

where in the hell or what in the hell that something might be

I've just been walking

picking up things

to cover myself up

make myself appear to be

what the world wanted and expected me to me

and

all the while

deep inside

a piece of myself 

took root

way down deep 

past all the world and people expectations...took root in the center of my heart.

IT

that thing

called to me

inviting me to step deep into the authentic self of my self...

I was afraid

afraid of what you say...

afraid to be...

be seen or viewed or perceived 

as weird or different

so I hid

hid who I was 

tried to live like everyone else

and

in spite of all the trying

that seed

that place

that beckoning 

never ceased

sorta of like the little "whos in whoville screaming" 

 "We are here"

I could feel that piece of me

screaming

"I'm here"

"I'm here"

I tried to ignore that piece of myself

but it 

will not and cannot go away

....

so 

Here

I stand

peer deep inside myself

and 

suddenly realize

I'm here

I'm home

and

it is good.  I kind of like it even!

May you too 

take a moment

to peer into the depths and

find a place

called 

Home.

Happy Monday

The radical rambler....

Thirst.....

“But I don't want comfort. 

I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger,

 I want freedom, I want goodness......”
― Aldous Huxley, Brave New World

In the womb
there I was 
me
little something of sorts
atoms and electrons and quirks 
bonds and charges and compounds
all piling up
building up on top of each other
growing
developing
becoming.
IT-watery fluid-
supported me
warmed me
birthed me up and out and into the world if you will. 
IT was all I knew!

Now i find
an unquenchable thirst
deep inside of me
I try my best to ignore IT,
force IT down,
forget about IT,

IT
ancient folks
said it was like a deer panting for water
longing for IT
I'd agree
but most times
you wouldn't find me saying it out loud
looking for it
mostly
well truthfully
mostly i spend more time
trying to find a way 
to
"fill IT up"
"mix IT up"
"forget about it somehow"
but
IT
that deep longing
that dryness in the crevices of my heart spaces
IT is there
waiting...
waiting...
to be filled
waiting for me 
to quench my insatiable thirst
that only IT can fill.

I wait until I am half dead
parched 
withering away
...
I try not to see YOU
hear You
pretend
at times
like I don't even know who or what or how You are or can be
truth is I don't understand that any more than I understand this 
dry thirst that comes over me...
but then
without any rhyme or reason
other than your undying love for me
YOU---incredible IT---
that you are
....
somehow in your way
through sunset and human and little blades of grass 
pushing up toward YOU..reveal your incredible ITNESS...

You stop me on my slow steady crawl
and
tease me with a cool drop...
it touches my tongue
moves over and down the back of my throat
dry parched sandy spirit
touched
By You---I feel an electric spirit charge--as You and I mix together
....
I look up
You surround me
enfold me
You 
breath of life
say to me
"Drink"
I look at you
skeptic at heart 
and hear myself laugh--saying--"really--yeah right!"
:Drink:
I savored You in the small dose I could take in
my soul
well you restored me
infused me
and
I thought I was too full to drink more
but
yet
I'm still thirsty
........
You just
 smile ...
then hand me a 
another tall glass...
Drink up...
there's plenty where that came from...
and 
I walked on down the road,
skipped a bit
and
then went on about my
little life
....
and
I suspect
just when
I need YOU
There you will be
tiny drop of LOVE Dew
overflowing waterfall
ancient Spring
flowing from the depths of all time and place
You
the 
IT
I have known forever
and you'll say to me
Thirsty...
well drink on up..there's plenty where that came from...
IT
Incredible 
abundant IT.


Be a happy Thursday......

blessings..
the Radical Rambler