Sunday, March 22, 2015

The bridge to somewhere....

"My brokenness is a better bridge for people than my pretend wholeness ever was." 
— Sheila Walsh

I wondered as I walked,
was my fear of staying where I was
bigger then my fear of "what if"...
I looked into the distance
all the while feeling the quiver and quake of my heart...
I'd traveled on this lonely journey for a long time
I was tired, dirty, worn
when
I

came to a bridge
between
here ...here where I stood
and
there...there in the distance
to a road
leading
to somewhere 
I wasn't sure of...
It looked scary
to go over
stream 
and
plank
and
brokenness
....
what if 
I did not make it
...
I knew what was behind me
pain
sorrow
fear
all that that had propelled me forward...
I stood
pulling up
all that I could 
from Mother Earth,
Father Time,
and Brother Sun...
I could feel the shift
the shift inside 
me
could feel the pull
the pull to put
one foot carefully 
in front of the other
and
risk
crossing to the other side.

I did
and
moment by moment
I connect to something
that feels like a gravitational pull
beckoning me forward
into 
Light
into Love
into 
fullness of life
....
The broken bridge
that overtook my fear.
That
that 
was my first step....

that was the day
the day I chose
 the bridge to somewhere
rather than the home of fear.



the radical rambler.............

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

opened up

“My heart's been torn wide open,
 just like I feared it would be,
 and I have no willpower to close it back up.” 
                                                            ― Marie LuChampion

I have not written in a very long time
fear of looking at 
the emotions inside of me
caused
me to 
hunker down
hole up
and
pull the shades around my heart and mind 
tight
all closed up
in a protective shell


life
living it
hurt too bad
darkness loomed
rain and storms pelted my outer shell

there I
rested---absorbed in my own little world with my own little troubles
wallowed all over and over again 
in 
the pain so severe I could not name it--let alone claim it----
.....
Storms tossed and turned
slammed me
rolled me over 
pulled me back to sea
but
something 
beyond myself
beyond my understanding 
beyond anything I can fathom in my humanoid way of thinking
IT met me
me in 
 my little world blown apart kind of  life
pulled me
protected me
wouldn't let go or give up on me
rescued me  

Drowning in sorrow and strangling on my tears
feeling alone
a Mystery of sort
enfolded me
holed up me
existing 
in my protective coating me
wrapped around 
and claimed 
me--my value-my gift--my--me

The sunshine dried my outer coating
my arms tired from
the weight of holding 
the shells together
began to 
relax just a bit
and
when i let go
just enough
to allow a small sliver of light and love 
to slip inside of my darkness
my world shifted....

Love
IT
embraced me
pulled me up
opened 
my heart spaces
scarred,
wounded, 
some would say--raw and exposed
but yet still beating little heart,
IT
opened those little
tiny spaces that I tried to seal over
closed up
shelled up me
opened me
heart all wrapped in pain
to love
and
that something
IT
amazing Love 
rescued 
me....hunkered down, holed up, mixed up, torn apart me...

never be put together the same again  me
but 
yet 
live
rescued little me
lives

how?
I don't know
Why 
does it matter?

opened heart space
LIFE
i am 
Here

opened up
and
alive....

Thanks be to IT!!!  Amen

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

light beckons...

“Souls reconstructed with faith transform agony into peace.” 



Life...
so full of turns and twists,
interactions and reactions,
and
just when i can't breathe
just when i think
i may cease to exist or at least wish i would
from around the bend in the road
after climbing up behind the shadow of the mount for so long
starting to think that the shadowy darkness is normal--
a small faint flicker of hope
a glimmer of light
a wash of fresh air
enters my stale bones..

I stare into the distance
and
something draws me forward
beckons me if you will
Hope?
love?
something
something so ordinary it is there most of the time,
but so extraordinary I can't resist....

sweat drips down my head
my muscles ache
and
my head is so finished with processing that I think all the tickers are broken.....

 i hit the pinnacle of the climb and i stop to rest
I sit
sit and stare into the light that beckons me
....
Does goodness and mercy follow me?
Is the shadow just a shadow or a figment of my imagination?
Am I really not alone?
my soul fights with itself
arguing that
it is alone
feels it into the abyss of my soul
...
and
yet...
yet...
the light in the distance flickers and glimmers
and
says...
Come on up...
I stand
stare
and
 suddenly
...
one more time
...
when I know i've said
I will not do this again
...
I don't believe
...
yeah right
...
That
thing
that awesome something bigger than myself
...
says..
come on..
I've been right here waiting...

The agony of the dark night
shifts
cool fresh air
hits my face and
a gentle yet subtle
spirit moves over my pain
and
soothes it....
a few more steps...
hard they may
....
and
i think
i just might be
home to myself
...
myself and that which is bigger than me...

the light
it beckons me...


Have a great hump day...
blessings..

The radical rambler...



 

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

anointing hands

“I feel the healing
hands of God
touch my heart
and kiss my soul.” 

― Harley Kin

In a wave of explosive energy,
love splashed over my heart as I stood gazing into their eyes-
each bearing their own pain, their own hope, their own perspective
and
I opened my heart 
to them
in front of them
in a way I never imagined.

As I looked I could feel waves of tears rolling up in my eyes in the same explosive energy as the love that was splashing all over me,
moving over me
touching me
in the crevices of my heart 
where my deepest hurt had resided for many years.

Perhaps
to the eyes not visioning through a God lens
it was just standing
standing up and saying
I'll do that job
but
ah...
my world view was so different and it felt much bigger than just standing up
looking out
ah..
it felt like hope and love and grace
and
acceptance wrapping around me at once.
....
tiny little drops of love balm
slid down into the places 
where 
I had been hurting for many years
oozed into the little cracks 
left by my broken dreams,
rejected gifts,
unrealized self preservation
dripped into me
as the aroma of anointment
rose up.

I don't know how I came
to stand
stand before
these folks so full of love
don't know how my journey brought me
to that place in time
that moment in reality
when 
love,
hands,
healing
and
my heart 
got all wrapped up in a gift of hope.

I don't understand it
but
as they put on their hands
little electrons
moved
moved through me
and 
for a tiny moment
for that was all I could stand
was 
touched
by love,
hands,
energy
dare I say God
and for just a moment
shalom
it infused me
and
I was whole
and
I
I am most thankful for the moment.

blessings on this Tuesday
be a great day.



Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Goodwills, scaly feet and Sacred Ground.....

“If I were in [his] presence, I would wash [his ]feet.” 
― Hercules
Sketch done by off color daughter at panera bread one day while she was skipping school--fabulous don't you think....it speaks of the sacredness and connection we have with the world. 2013 MM

Okay--so I'll confess--I haven't blogged in a good long while.  My life has been very crazy and I've found that in my writing-there is a transparency about myself--a truthfulness that erupts from the depth of my soul.  So if I am honest with myself and then with the world--I'll confess that I didn't want to share
all the mixed up emotions that I had going on inside of me on paper
---and whether I wanted to share--well it would have happened--the emotion would have pushed forth and emerged on the paper in the midst of whatever story I was tryin' to birth.   
So--here I am---willing to bare it again--I suppose sometimes the human spirit needs to just ball up and fight with itself
wrestle, stomp, scream and cry---
and that is where I've been
in a smack-down match with parts of myself...
and I won eventually and have a few bruises to show for it!!!


Fast forward to the present......
I had just spent the week in the hospital with my mother, who'd had a heart attack coming out of the bathroom at walmart--now that is another story for another day---a scare and a stent later--she is on the road to recovery.  Following my week in the hospital with her, I returned home to Big Daddy and Off Color Daughter.  Since my last Blog Post, "off-color son" has moved out into a swinging bachelor pad with three other buddies.
I was exhausted and spent much of the first day in bed getting caught up on lost rest---and it was my sexy hot 51st birthday--and yes i'll say it for you---Damn--I just get sexier, hotter--all the time!!!  
The day following this, I awoke with a headache, vomiting and other things that shall not be named--after a doctors visit-it was proclaimed that I had the flu.  Damn!!!  Another week of sickness---I spent the entire week, laid up in bed doing nothing more than sleeping---and that for sure ain't the thing anybody as sexy hot as me wants to be doing in the bed!!!!
The next Saturday--I'm finally feeling semi-normal and I go for my beautification treatment where my beautification specialist gives me my 
sexy hot short haircut.  
I have a few minutes to spare and decide to swing into the gas station for a cold iced fountain Diet Pepsi and then decide I'd swing into the local goodwill to scour for eclectic finds (I did find a cool thermos from the 70's and a little Japanese cup and saucer set).
I'm doing my Goodwill Scan--walking up and down the aisles of the store--looking sexy hot from my new hair cut and trying to be inconspicuous because 
who wants to be seen at the Goodwill--right?
I'm about to finish my rounding track and am just getting ready to head to the cash register and I get stuck in a line of people with baskets full of "shit".  
I take a detour and head around the back of the store because I'm feeling all goodwill claustrophobic---just as I round past the furniture in the back, a grandmother in her roundish gray hair cute kind of way, looked at me and said, 
"Can you help me?"
She is sitting, so I think she wants me to perhaps help her out of the rocker she is sitting in----
I smile and simply say, "Sure, I'll be Glad to help!!!"
FAMOUS LAST WORDS!!!
She looks at me and simply say--
"these shoes I'm wearing are burning up my feet"
--I looked
and she had zip up plastic looking blue tennis shoes on --they looked like they were made out of those rubber things that crocs are made from....
She proceeds to say--
"I'm gonna donate them 'cause I don't like them--can you help me put my socks on and she pulls out a pair of diabetic black men's socks from her grandmama pocketbook"
I feel myself think in my head---
"Oh no---not feet---" as she proceeds to say, "Can you help me put these socks on?"
I smile underneath thinking, "what the hell"
and
then I tell myself in my head---one day--you just might be a sexy hot grandma sitting in the goodwill and you might need a little help....so I stoop down trying not to cringe.
I do not like feet--my feet or anybody's feet.
Toenails gross me out....
feet-well they serve us well and I do appreciate the way they carry us from here to there 
and for the way
they grant me access into Holy connections with both the Earth and the Creator---
but touching someones feet--someone I don't know............oh..I don't know about this i say in my head....
I feel myself giving myself the pep talk and I kneel down at her feet.
Ms. Goodwill Grandmama's feet are not in good shape.  She has some of those thick yellow nails on her Big toes,
Her feet--I swear need about a gallon of lotion and I can feel my OCD kicking in as her skin starts to flake as I pull on the socks over her swollen feet.
As I am kneeling---kneeling in the aisle at Goodwill,
I begin to reflect upon the biblical stories I'd been told over the years
and wondered how 
they might be woven into this Goodwill tale....
I began to feel the connection to God,
to the world
to humanity if you will
and by the time I 
started to try and pull on the second sock---
I feel myself 
feeling compassion for the woman who asked me for help.....
Will I wash another's feet--not without an internal argument or feeling myself sweat up after I'd said yes.....
but
for 
this day
I am thankful
thankful for a moment of 
Holy connection
for burning bush
scaly feet
big toenail
moments
that 
caused me
to remember
that 
both 
and
the woman
are children of the same creator
and
thus---
putting on socks
of a woman with ugly feet
in the middle of Goodwill where I was trying to play 
incognito...
well
the 
Goodwill Floor 
became 
Holy Ground for me
sacred if you will
and for a brief moment
i felt as if
I too should be taking off my shoes
for the presence of "That Which IS"
walked by and brushed right up against me
while I was kneeling.....

so for this day--
I will proclaim my gratitude 
for
a moment 
of 
with the Goodwill Grandmama where
I was changed.

....
May we all
become willing to say
Yes-
when we are asked for help
and
allow
the Holy
to somehow 
meet us with our biggest 
repulsions
to change us
forever..
May it be so...
May it be so...

so good to be with you again...

be a great day...
"the radical rambler"

Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Extraordinary Ordinary

“...the endless repetition of an ordinary miracle.” 
― Orhan PamukSnow

Light thin dust coating everything in site...
everything just looks white
with a bit of glisten as rays of light strike their 
unique spots.

I stand in awe at the wonder of such an 
ordinary morning but then 
take a closer look

tiny little particles 
so 
small it is impossible to
differentiate where one ends and another begins
uniquely shaped but
yet somehow joined together 

life
sometimes
seems
so ordinary
so mundane
but 
when one looks 
closer
allows space for Holy magnificence 
to overtake
us...
then
even the tiniest
smallest of 
ordinary
can 
and 
will become
extraordinary.

Today
many of us prepare ourselves for
Advent festivities
for a baby in a manger
for star shining brightly
for smelly shepherds and wise magi
moving toward 
something
bigger than themselves
........
May each of us
take just a moment
and
allow the wonder of
ordinary---no matter what that may be in your world---
to simply 
overtake you
....
It will be Extraordinary
much like
the layer of white dust 
I see on the ground
upon closer look
something so
uniquely
extraordinary it cannot fully be described
other
than
wonder!

Blessings to each of you this holiday season.....

the radical rambler


Monday, December 9, 2013

Sunshine...

"Sun, sun, sun, here it comes 
Little darlin' I feel the ice is slowly meltin' 
Little darlin' it seems like years since it's been clear 
Here come the sun, here comes the sun 
And I say it's all right 
Here come the sun, here comes the sun 
It's all right, it's all right” 
― George HarrisonThe Beatles Illustrated Lyrics


sometimes
there are no words
only empty 
feelings 
bombarding against 
the 
inside of my shell
I feel
but cannot even begin to articulate what is happening inside
alone
isolated
unconnected
disengaged

....
I look out on the horizon
feeling dark and lone
when the first ray of light shoots through the darkness...

the Sun
She rises
blinks through the clouds wiping the sleep away...
"Good Morning"
she says to me...
"so good to see you"
Have a great day to day...
and
remember
"you are loved."

The Sun.....she meets me....and beckons me onward....

thankful this morning
for 
the 
Sunshine.

Be a great day............Blessings....................

The Radical Rambler