Opening up..........I'm thinking about it!

“To open your heart to someone

 means exposing the scars of the past.”

unknown

It is much much more comfortable

standing back

watching 

looking at interactions 

listening to the beat of others drums

 and

seeing

how others live

how open others appear on the outside

and how they interact

moving and touching and being

all connected of sorts

only guessing what that really feels like

I've forgotten

or 

at least it feels like a place a once knew.

....

I stand back

all closed up

with 

petals drawn around me

I kinda like that feeling

of 

my own softness on the inside

while only allowing the 

world to see

the underside of my shell

viewing only the pieces of myself 

 I feel free to share

Energy

potential energy

it rattles around on the inside

bounces around 

pushes

and something

outside myself

pulls me

beckons me

to 

let myself out

open myself up

and

free myself from the 

bindings created 

each time I felt

hurt and fear

and

rejection 

until finally i pulled it all so tight

that 

only a few select 

sees me on the inside.

I pull the petals tighter

it is safe here

i control what happens

or 

at least that is my own illusion 

created in my own little mind

I've told myself

this is how I would live

protected

wrapped up

pretending to be strong and unafraid.

it fits me i say...thinking others can't see my own fear

.......

but

yet

there is a yearning

a dream

a longing of sorts

to be free

free from all that binds me up

...

the energy

of 

potentiality

it beats on the inside

crying to get out

screaming a silent scream

with words unsaid

I fear but long for

the possibility of actualizing

 of just doing it

just being 

who 

I was created to become

what I was meant to be

wonder how that might look

there is tension

a struggle 

a fight 

i feel inside

between

staying where I am all comfortable and safe

or 

risking it all

opening

up

letting what I have out

I 

am 

afraid

terrified of rejection

not sure how it 

all 

really feels

to 

be open but

all wrapped in love at the same time

...

acceptance

love

grace that is

I give it freely

but

not quite sure

how it feels except for the few times with the few people

I've done

it

opened it all up that is...

....

but

I 

think

I just might

be 

getting ready

to 

push back 

a tiny little petal

let the world see me once again

and

see the inside

....

perhaps

on a really good day  really soon

I will spread out the petals

of who I am

and 

allow the

sun

to 

illuminate my colors

.....

for today

I will enjoy the comfort and wonder of 

my own little world

and

think about 

opening 

on 

up

....

Have a great day

the rambler who was really rambling today