OMG I am them.....

My mother and myself have always done the

"ONE, TWO, don't make me count to THREE or you are going to be sorry!" Luckily neither she nor I have ever reached three.

Diane Zoller-Ciatto

it is the last morning of the off color family vacation....

yesterday the "girls" and I went on a kayak trip through bird island salt marsh....

We didn't see a whole lot of birds...

or dolphins...

or

bald eagles as the guide so promised in their awkward introduction to kayaking speech. It was apparent that they were nervous---seems this was the largest group they had ever attempted. I personally enjoyed the people watching more than the trip through the marsh, though there were times of tranquility--it just wasn't as personal as the one the girls and I took two years ago where we were the only three on the tour.

There was a group of four from New York--most impressive was the 18ish young blind man with his mother---you know I was wanting to play Oprah Winfrey and ask all kinds of questions about why he was kayaking, but when I broke in with the typical "where y'all from?" all I got was "New York" and no further invitation to enter their world---seems sexy hot mama struck out just like the boys---

There was a group of two married couples and a fifth wheel who gladly proclaimed and wore that as a badge. She facebooked the entire trip which I found quite intriguing. I did overhear that she was a sales rep and that her region included Sudan and other parts of Africa. One of the couples who shared a tandem kayak argued so much about technique on the way that mid trip..fifth wheel switched with them and rode with the wife in order to save their marriage--or perhaps to at least save peace for their last evening of the trip.

He tried to be cute and cut in front of them...and suddenly in the middle of the marsh, he flipped not once but twice, filled his kayak with water and the whole group had to wait as his wife

proclaimed..."now look at the marine/policeman"....

they had to pull his kayak to shore and use a bail pump to get it ready for use again. I said to the woman while we waited,

"I bet you can't work in the kitchen either......"

She said, "he is actually a much better cook--but he does it all wrong. I clean as I go..he uses twelve dishes for everything and lets it pile up." I laughed, "I guess we couldn't work in the kitchen together either...that is exactly what Big Daddy says about me. We'd probably fight in the kayak as well." ..and I quickly paddled away so not to get a lesson on "how to use the paddle correctly"

In my heart, I felt sympathy for the guy who was holding us up.

Then there was the "minister couple" and their meek daughter who they had in later life.....

I don't know that he was a minister--he just reminded me of some I knew in the Baptist churches my daddy made us go to....

short, mustache, mini-tumor stomach and sandals.

He is always prepared. He showed up with his own life-vest, his own huge first aid kit and his very own kayak paddle.

His wife--whiter than the whitest porcelain---kayaked way away from him as far away as she could and i don't blame her--she was on vacation after all---his daughter kept her head down and I kept hearing her twelve year old embarrassed voice say--"yes dad I'm okay".....and I thought I could hear her say under her breath---there is no way I could drown in this life jacket you bought and are making me wear."

He talked "water talk" with the guides and I'm sure in his heart pretended that he was the fearless guide sent from God to save any kayaker who suffered a scrape or heart attack on the trip---no lie---his first aid kit was big enough to have contained a portable AV defibrillator.

Then there was the sunburned "Asian wife with her professor like young husband...or boyfriend..." She took pictures and constantly bragged to him about how good she was getting and he just smiled and encouraged her on.....while he looked like a nerd...I decided by the end of the trip that he was just a good ole boy." As you can see, I did glean quite the motherload of information on the trip.....so it wasn't a total loss....

Following the trip, we piddled around, took naps and then headed out for Big Daddy to have his annual stuff yourself with as much seafood as possible and make yourself sick night. I was able to order chicken off the grill as I am deathly allergic to seafood of any kind. I was not sick after eating my grilled chicken and I did it.....I actually didn't think of calories or guilt or weight gain or how much I'd have to walk on the beach to get rid of it.....I actually ordered dessert....

homemade key lime pie...

I swear it was pretty close to orgasmically perfect.

It was the perfect combination of sweet and sour and butter and fluff. I probably could have eaten the whole pie and OH MY...I enjoyed and savored every bite, although i did selfishly share a bite with Hannah tard--cause I'm nice like that....

I really didn't want the nickname..."selfish pie"

yes..the boys could not "wait' on us..they had to leave early and go out to eat alone---probably on their last night hopeful prowl for some teenage girl without their parents.

As off color daughter and I went to the grocery to pick up supplies for the drive home, she said, "We do have some social awkwardness mom....I mean that guide was talking to you on the beach and you just kept walking."

I said, "well, first of all I'm old and I couldn't hear what she was saying and I was really busy overhearing the things the others were talking about....

"off color daughter" said, "mom, it was just us....me, you, and the Jillian Michael's sounding guide."

I thought for a minute and then said,

"well, now that you mention it, I guess I do have the "grandfather syndrome"==my father...

I can tune out anything or anyone I don't want to hear or talk to....I just go inside my own little world and zone...

I tell off color daughter this...and she says...

"mom...we are both like that...why do you think that is...?"

I thought for a minute and then said,

"I used to be pretty good at "idle chitchat and conversation when I worked at the church," but now...well now...

unless I'm personally vested in getting to know someone or getting to be part of their story, it isn't worth the energy to just ask "where Y'all from".....I want deep philosophical conversation."

I guess you could say, we are "conversation selfish."

We both agreed that our world was way more exciting inside our head than some of the mindless chitchat but perhaps if we both tried, we might occasionally run upon another geek or two like us, who wanted to talk medical diseases, the joys of OCD behavior, enter into stupid off color jokes....

perhaps if we tried...

we might find more people like us....or not."

I was laying bed

and suddenly it dawned on me last night....

I realized as I brushed my teeth,

they were staring back at me...

you know

my mama and my daddy...

mama was there in the wiry flow of my gray streak that I share in common with my grandfather and with her...

it starts on the side and runs back...they had jet black hair so theirs was more prominent like a skunk....

I blend mine into what my daughter calls the "white headed bleach".......but anymore, I'm becoming more gray streak than blond...and the gray parts are beginning to have a hairstyle all their own and will not conform to my sexy hot..messed up look..just the way I want.

I saw lines--those think lines of my father----staring back at me in my forehead and eyes...and swollen bubba gump lip..

"OMG--on vacation I've suddenly become my parents....now who can I blame because I'm weird."

As I was thinking just before I drifted off to sleep...

I realized it really has happened...

this week, while everyone was gathered...

I made the off color children put in a set of those bubba teeth to send my brother a birthday text.......I wore a pair myself....

as Hannah tard took the picture...it happened...
I started laughing...laughing with a set of bubba teeth in my mouth...

I was laughing so hard, I couldn't stop...I couldn't breath and all the while, keeping my bubba teeth in my mouth...

and

there she stood...

possessing my body...

my mother bringing me that stupid laugh that she used to get.....

the one that to this day will make me start to laugh so hard I almost "pee my pants."...oh well little brother--happy birthday from you "off color sexy hot sister"--who is quickly becoming just like "them"

Mama and Daddy...

I never knew it...

never knew that that two of you are "sexy hot"...

never knew..

I'd become you...

and

now I know...

one day...my kids will look at their kids...

and

say..

OMG

I've become my sexy hot off color mama....

I hope then..

they realize just like me...

how lucky they are...

so long beach..

it has been fun..

Monday back to the grindstone again...

it sure has been fun..

Happy Saturday...

go on

go look in the mirror and tell me who you see....

The radical rambler