Off Color Family Outing Turns Gangsta (much better than national lampoon vacations)

Marlin: Nemo! You're gonna get stuck out there and I'll have to go get you before another fish does. Get back here! Get back here now! Stop! You make one more move, mister... 
[Nemo lifts his fin] 
Marlin: Don't you lay a fin on that boat! Don't you dare touch that boat! Don't you... 
[Nemo touches the boat] 
Marlin: Nemo! 
Tad: [Whispering] He touched the butt.

from Finding Nemo 2003

The Off Color Family are still at the beach--I'm sure it will never be the same.

Yesterday it was cold...too cold to actually sit in my beautiful sexy bathing suit

on the beach.  We stayed around the house, napped and ate and watched movies.

Toward the end of the day, Big Daddy was getting bored so he started coming up with ideas of things to go and do.  He wanted to go do this boardwalk thing and after I googled it,  I talked Big Daddy into heading to Wilmington as the girls wanted to go back to this black cat "voodoo and wizard shop".  They had been there two years ago and really wanted to go back to buy these destiny bracelets and to absorb some of the local art and culture.

Big Daddy was the taxi driver and so we headed toward Wilmington--forty miles away.  Hannahtard and Off Color daughter went with us.  Off Color son and his friend J. who is incredibly quiet, were going into Myrtle Beach to try and pick up some chicks---they were not successful---wha wha---strike out.

So we are driving when

the worst of all worsts happened to off color daughter--she said i could write about this---but she started getting the Big D--you know--the Hershey squirts and needing a bathroom break--and suddenly said, dammit to hell, I've done started my period....and I am bleeding through my romper and underwears.

So suddenly in the middle of downtown Wilmington we are looking for an emergency drug store to purchase some emergency supplies and underwear--she said not to say panties cause that is a disgusting word---I say panties myself.

Big Daddy is getting mad because instead of parking we are driving up and down roads looking for a store....finally we see a shell station and big daddy makes an emergency U-turn.

Off Color daughter, Hannahtard and I head inside the Shell to take care of some emergency business.....

upon entering we find the girls bathroom to be locked and closed....

since it was quiet the emergency by now, I told off color daughter to use the men's while I purchased the emergency supplies.

As they were just about to enter the Men's bathroom,

we overhear a loud disturbance toward the front of the store.

The store clerk who is tall, skinny, big eyed and speaks with a Jamaican accent is kicking out a young man with hanging shorts and black t-shirt.

I tell the girls to get in the bathroom and lock the door just as the young man yells---you need to just go back to your own country--you can't even talk American.

The young man was "crazy" and wild eyed.  I walk up front and look out.  Big Daddy is standing by his car smoking--since he is the irritated with his girl posse.

The man is ranting and screaming and suddenly walks back to the door.

Another older man with graying beard starts yelling back at him.  They come in the door and then go out again.  The older man goes to his van and starts throwing clothes all around. 

I speak to the customers---"Is it always like this here?"

They seem undisturbed really.

I walk up to the counter and speak to the girl, "Are you here alone?"

"Yes" she says.

I say, "Well can I purchase these supplies and take them to my daughter?"

I deliver them to the door and Hannah tard opens up the door.

"Don't you think, perhaps you should call the police?"

She picks up her phone and dials 911 and then hangs up.

The men head toward the door screaming and yelling.

I am over at the window, knocking for Big Daddy to come to the door.

The disturbance continues...next thing I know...one man whips out a baseball bat and

they head behind Big Daddy who makes his way to the front door of the store just about the time the younger man digs in the trash and breaks a bottle......

The girl locks the door.  I unlock it and let Big Daddy in....

The 911 operator calls the girl back....she--the checker girl from shell-- looks at me...

evidently she can barely speak English (or American as the other man called it).

I tell the policeman what is going on and suddenly they get in their cars and squeal out toward the road.

Meanwhile, back at the men's bathroom....

I'll let off color daughter describe her experience at the Shell.....

However due to the way too descriptive off color daughter...some of it has been edited to protect those reading......(****** way too descriptive) you can thank me for that one....

Off Color daughter here.....

So I had done bleeded through my damn underwears and the s*** was just a shooting outta me like a fire hose. I had to take my clothes off since I was only wearing a romper. Locked in a one person bathroom, with only a denim button up shirt put on backwards to try to cover me I sat and waited. Hannah and I were stuck in the mens bathroom, which had no trashcan or soap. It also had a dirty ****** urinal which sort of smelled like rotten urine and gonorrhea---whatever that smells like. Every time I would take a breath, giant f*** and watery (****** way too descriptive)  would fly out .............. into the toilet bowl. Meanwhile (****** way too descriptive)  and it seemed like i was hemorrhaging or some(****** way too descriptive) like that. I could hear my Mom talking outside the door for a long  time and I was wondering where the **** are my pads and pepto, I feel like(****** way too descriptive)  . Finally after a million  years she arrived with some mattresses to (****** way too descriptive). Hannah kept running in and out of the bathroom to get in on the action, and I kept insisting that someone stand watch over the door, since I clearly was not in the position to get up and lock the door at this point....Hannah left and asked my (****** way too descriptive) mom to keep watch over the door. She was clearly distracted by the drama, which I found out when a creepy middle aged man came bursting in all ugly and beardly and looking all ratchet like he hadn't showered in a long  time and had neglected hygiene since childhood while maintaining a life as a wolf man, living with some wild dogs in a dumpster or something like that. I don't  know. But lemme tell you that man was embarrassed  when he saw a teenage girl on the mens toilet only wearing a backwards shirt and holding her underwear. He said, "Oh my god! I had no idea." before leaving. Outside I heard my mom say, "Oh, that's my daughter.. I was supposed to be watching the door. She could be a while." I broke out into awkward manic laughter, sounding like some sort of psychotic character from a horror movie or insane asylum or wherever else you see crazy ass people in straight jackets. I didn't wanna take too much longer seeing as people were waiting on my exit. . I went out the door to find a long ass line and my mom having an awkward conversation with the creepy ass dude.(****** way too descriptive) I tried to avoid eye-contact with all involved individuals, and busted out that joint as quick as you can say(****** way too descriptive)  . So anyways, Hannah was trying to get her grub on ....meaning she was wanting to stand in line and buy food.....but I wanted  to leave, and so she did what i said.. 

Outside big daddy was complaining (as usual) to the popo about some punk  kid breaking bottles and acting like a crazy  chicken liver. I just popped on in his car, even though some . S...(****** way too descriptive) . in dat car... we went to the voo doo  place.(Word on da street iz itz called da blk cat) She, the girl working there basically says dat the place we wnt wuz da gangsta gas station. and dat she wldnt b cot ded dur, so we shldnt go dur agin. De end.

I'm not sure that I will ever let off-color daughter do a guest post again...it took way too long to edit her version--but she and Hannahtard had great fun seeing how far they could push the literary button with me. 

So as you can see we have some learning's from this experience :

1. I am sure off color son and J. are happy they decided to head out to look for women--even though they struck out---life sometimes sucks for a 17 year old boy--especially if you belong to the off color family....a strike out is much better than a moment at the gangsta station with the rest of the clan.

2.  Off color daughter is quite the descriptive writer--but she loves to push the button--where does she get that characteristic---I just don't know.

3. Never ever take a beach vacation with the off color family....you just don't know what might happen.

4.  Never ever stop at a shady looking gas station in an unfamiliar area for an emergency bathroom break and feminine hygiene purchase......you never know what might happen...and that is for sure.

Hope all of you could stand

the details of our off color adventure.....

my prose poetry may return next week or tomorrow...

but I could not resist taking you along for the journey

to

the gangsta vacation bathroom

with the

off color family .

have a great day...

The Radical Rambler....