Sunday Skipping.....This is my rambling confession? a day late

"I want to know what sustains you from the inside,

 when all else falls away."

 -Oriah Mountain Dreamer

What does it mean when a person invested in the church decides she doesn't know if she really wants to go anymore?  In the past few weeks, I have turned down numerous opportunities to preach and the usual joy that comes when asks has not been there.  I have been trying to learn to balance my life in a better fashion.  I pay more attention to the way I pile my plate up....that is the analogy one of my dear spiritual directors told me one day when she ran into me after one of my long hiatus from seeing her....."I've been busy," I said.

She looked at me and simply said, "sounds like you have piled an awful lot on that plate of yours....it is up to you what you put on.  It sounds like it might even be overflowing."  I laughed and told her, "Well, I guess I'll just have to buy me a bigger plate."  She looked at me in her radical nun look at simply said with a smile, "dear Pam, you only get one plate in life.....what matters is how you balance and what you put on."  ouch....

For the longest time, I kept a hand painted plate on the edge of my desk in the church to remind me to have a balance....family, self, church, community.......I'm not sure I ever really learned to balance it well. 

Lately...I think it is more than that....more than just me being tired from being a wife, mom, supervisor, taxi cab driver and pizza delivery woman......oh and don't forget reluctant dog owner.

I'm beginning to think it has something to do with being true to what I feel. 

I have always loved the church.  It was where I first learned about the Power of the Universe and my delving into the Mystery of Life began.  But as I've worked in it and been around it and even been hurt by the political business like manner in which it is run....I've been wondering if there is really a place left inside the realm of the church world for this liberal radical minister woman.  I keep hoping and ever so often when I visit around, I'll run into a small community where people really do live into their faith and their community.

Let's just say...I'm discerning and have been discerning now for about five years.  The jury is still out on the church......

I could go into a long litany of why I am struggling but will save that for another day when I feel like divulging more of my personal story.

So here I am.....a person who has studied theology, wrestled with theology and tried to live my understanding of who God calls us to be as humans----God love me...and because of that my heart beats...which empowers me to love others in capacities I never imagined.

So yesterday, I was driving down the road and I realized...."It's Sunday and I didn't even think about going to church."  In a life that has been filled with communal worship, realizing that I can skip for a few weeks and not even miss it, tells me something about my own feelings for the understanding of church.

I tend to find what I choose to call God, 

walking out under trees,

looking at the palate of unique colors found in flowers,

digging my finger through the atoms of ancestors who have already gone as I plant and dig and garden,

I see and experience God in the eyes of people and when I examine their hands---they both tell me alot about who they are and what they do and how they live an move in the world--it tells me a bit about how they impact the world.

I hear God in the laughter of my children and the symphony of the birds in my backyard.

Brother Lawrence wrote a book called, "Practicing the Presence of God."  I've tried hard to embody what he writes about--which pretty much says, our life is our prayer and our presence and attention to it is important.

I don't have any excuses...

I'm just being honest...

Church doesn't hold the meaning for me it once did,

The World is a Wonderful Sanctuary...

where Community meets me day after day...

Barbara Brown Taylor wrote in her book, Leaving the Church,

"But it is the life that has turned out to be mine, and the central revelation in it for me -- that the call to serve God is first and last the call to be fully human -- seems important enough to witness to on paper."

and in her book, An Altar in the World, a geography of faith,

"Taylor reveals concrete ways to discover the sacred in the small things we do and see. Something as ordinary as hanging clothes on a clothesline becomes an act of devotion if we pay attention to what we are doing and take time to attend to the sights, smells, and sounds around us. Making eye contact with the cashier at the grocery store becomes a moment of true human connection. Allowing yourself to get lost leads to new discoveries. Under Taylor's expert guidance, we come to question conventional distinctions between the sacred and the secular, learning that no physical act is too earthbound or too humble to become a path to the divine. As we incorporate these practices into our daily lives, we begin to discover altars everywhere we go, in nearly everything we do."

Part of me must miss that connection to community,

the rooted love given and taken,

the conversation shared over coffee in the fellowship hall,

or else I wouldn't be compelled to justify my skipping...

but my truth for today is this,

I find God everywhere I go,

the world is full of divine moments much like Taylor reveals in her books--

I see them and experience the wonder of the Mystery everyday....

so what is the meat of this post....

Here goes...

"Dear God,

It's me...that crazy girl you created.  You know the one....kinda big girl getting littler, laughs alot,

loves words and nature and family.  She is the one who often sees the world different than others she meets.  Yeah...the one with the messed up hair and the one who lives with that damn Cecil dog and the "off color family".....oh you got me now.

I have a confession....I haven't gone to church and experienced YOU there in a very long time.  I do love to preach, and I do understand the wonder of your Good News...love yourself and neighbor...

but God, I'm having a hard time with this institution we call church.   I find myself not wanting to go...and I guess you already know I've skipped on numerous occasions when I'm not preaching because I bet you did see me walking on the treadmill or doing the stair stepper at the gym, but did you notice, i was listening to those sermons on my ipod.   Anyway...that's my confession...

this minister has been skipping church.....I know  you still love me and all.  Your world has become my sanctuary and I find you there.  So I've now made my public confession....now it's up to you....The End...or as they say in church...Amen."

So until I discover differently.....I just keep on doing what we've been doing....I'll watch for you, notice your bushes burning wherever they are and listen with my heart......the world is my sanctuary and humankind is my congregation...so for me..on this early Monday morning in the confines of my little backyard.....

I feel You in the breeze against my skin,

cool in the midst of an already steamy morning,

I hear you in the whistle and songs of the birds blending their voice,

I smell you in the sweet grass that was cut yesterday by the neighbor

and

I sense YOU in the core of my DNA.....

and

for me

that's as good as it gets and good enough because it is

YOUR MYSTERY that holds me up.

Blessings to all on this early Monday memorial day morning,

I didn't get to post yesterday..

Big Daddy and I put a tent up in the backyard....

more on an upcoming post about that....

Have a wonderful day...

and

HUGS

to all of you....