what am I waiting for???

“She knocked and waited, because when the door was opened from within, it had the potential to lead someplace quite different.” 
― Laini Taylor, Daughter of Smoke & Bone

it
--the closed and locked door-
is an illusional shell

helping me pretend 

I can't

I don't know how

I'm not good enough

it
--the closed and locked door--
is my protection
keeping me
in my own way of thinking
safe
seperated
content
-which is the lie I tell myself--
...

It
--the closed and locked door--
holds me back
keeps me at bay
keeps me from my truest self

it
--that thing that keeps my hand off the lock--
is
fear
distrust
memory of hurt so deep it still feels sharp
causes pain to rise up inside of me

I stare
I wonder
I feel my hand reach out to the door
it shakes and it trembles
my heartbeat quickens
excitement moves up inside of me
I'm still afraid

I touch the cold lock
it is not as scary as it looks
I lean on the door
listening to see if I can
hear the Mystery on the other side
or feel ITS warmth
trembling to my toes
I wait...
wait for some
miraculous sign or rhyme to tell me
tell me it is time
time to
claim
that truest part of myself
the parts other people see already but i pretend they don't.

Something pulls me to the door
it feels like an invisible lasso pulling tight against my heart
I run my hand over the latch
flick it a bit
and
I wait
for for just the right moment
to
claim
the
God Gift part of myself
I try to deny.

my heart races
my gut trembles
I am still afraid
but
IT
-that God thing that I don't understand-
It calls me
beckons
me
plays a tune
I can barely resist
I feel my foot tap
and
the atomic notes rise inside my soul
it unwakes an intrinsic memory from the DNA of my cells

Perhaps
the fear of staying the same
of always
resisting the "calling of the Mystery"
of pretending I can't hear
is scarier
than the
unknown on the other side

I listen

I stand
...
I wait

what am I waiting for??????

I don't know....


Happy Saturday
from a
radical rambler
with early morning
ponderings.....