The river of sadness...

“There is some kind of a sweet innocence in being human- in not having to be just happy or just sad- in the nature of being able to be both broken and whole, at the same time.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

Some days it feels as if the sun will never shine again,
festering deep inside of me is a sadness
I've never known before or perhaps never been attuned enough to acknowledge its presence
It is not depression
not anxiety
I know those emotions all too well--we've been friends for awhile
but somewhere
deep inside
is a river of tears
I've never allowed myself to cry
never allowed myself to feel
never allowed myself to acknowledge
  it is there
uncried tears
that have been building inside of me for as long as I can remember
this river
it is
rippling around inside of me
moving around
filling up the corners of my heart space
splashing around
hitting me at the most inconvenient times
causing me to acknowledge its presence
when
all I really want to do is ignore it.

This river of sadness is filled with
lost opportunity,
unreturned love,
unvalued moments
unacknowledged presence,
injustice,
intolerance,
disparity between people of all kinds..
it has all accumulated...


this river is present
inside
splashing and festering
causing stagnation
it will only grow
taking over the
all my emotions
drowning my life...
I find all these years of holding in
being stoic
making the world think
that
the hurt I've felt
the pain I've experienced
and
even the joy that I feel so deep
well
I've learned to play a good game
pretending the nothing and no person can hurt me
....
but lately...
well lately
the river inside of me
has started to well up in ways
that I can no longer dam or hide
....
I feel the weight of it
crushing like a wave swallowing a surf boarder...
I sense its presence
when without rhyme or reason
I feel a tear
as I watch the sunrise
watch a sad movie
or
see some nostalgic exchange of love...

this river...
it is no longer stagnant...
it is moving
moving up
starting to flow


The river of sadness
is part of me
but
is
moving
out
leaving me...
flowing out
leaving room for the joy and hope and love

this river of sadness..
it is flowing....
releasing
moving....
out into the hemisphere
.........
and
for that
well i am thankful
for it means
I am human
and
I am here!

Blessing to all of you on this Sunday Morning.....





“Every [Person]  has [their]secret sorrows which the world knows not;
 and often times we call a [person] cold when [they] are only sad.” 
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow