What do you want from me????

Hey, slow it down
What do you want from me
What do you want from me
Yeah, I’m afraid
What do you want from me
What do you from me

There might have been a time
I would give myself away
(Ooh) Once upon a time
I didn’t give a damn
But now here we are
So what do you want from me
What do you want from me?

FROM SONG DONE BY SEXY HOT---ADAM LAMBERT

Having been brought up in a Christian home my entire life,

and believing--some days knowing--that I was called to

live out a vocational calling to ordained ministry....

I find myself more and more confused with issues surrounding God,

the church and most importantly---

how a spiritual, liberal, somewhat edgy, honest, truth-telling,

down-to-earth thinking woman

can find a place at the table in the traditional church?

I've struggled with this for now over ten years.

Churches seem to use me

to fill their holes--when their minister needs or wants a day off---

but

when time comes to hire someone---

well it seems more often than not---

I don't have the body part that many churches deem necessary to make

a

full-fledged, honest to goodness

ordained minister.  You see....I don't have a penis....and can't do a damn thing about it.

So here I sit again...

almost time for my annual review with my committee in the denomination

after ten years of living as a

"second-class" participant in the life of the church.

While I always have loved the community of faith

and really believe that

it provides avenues for many of us to

blossom into our authentic selves---

my experience in the institution of church

as a woman in ministry

has left me

with lots of question marks

and many a scars from

trying to push, pull, crowd, pave and make my way.

so I scream to the Universe----

what the hell do you want from me????

I do love to preach,

appreciate the relational connections created by

the office of minister....

treasure the sacredness of

being allowed to step inside

and become a character in

others story books...just because

of my vocational calling.....

but

I am now at a pinnacle point in the journey....

What do you want from me?

What do you want from me?

Do you still lead?

Do you still speak?

Can you pave a way?

Break down a wall?  Build a bridge?

I look around.

I see you everywhere

in almost every instance of my life

wonder filled

awe evoking

life changing encounters of the Divine kind....

I acknowledge your Universal presence

the energy that pulls humanity toward goodness

and

i believe in this power of possibility--the possibility of always having you

beckon us toward that which helps us blossom into

who YOU created us to become.

I do not understand the path you've brought me down.

I wonder if I've heard your beckon all wrong..because what I've experienced hurts too damn much to believe it is what You planned for me?

but

I am wondering...

I've tried it the traditional way

and

even though i believe I live out

a sacred ministry of presence daily....

I have to wonder

aloud

and

in print?

Whatdaya want from me?

Whatdaya want from me?

so i wait

to

discover

your beckon toward love and hope and joy.

I wait...

and

wonder...

whatdaya want from me?

happy wednesday and hugs.....