"Eventually I lost interest in trying to control my life,
make things happen in a way I thought I wanted them to be. I began to practice surrendering to the universe and finding out what "IT" wanted me to do."
v. sur·ren·dered, sur·ren·der·ing, sur·ren·ders
1. To relinquish possession or control of to another because of demand or compulsion.
2. To give up in favor of another.
3. To give up or give back (something that has been granted): surrender a contractual right.
4. To give up or abandon: surrender all hope.
5. To give over or resign (oneself) to something, as to an emotion: surrendered himself to grief.
6. Law To restore (an estate, for example), especially to give up (a lease) before expiration of the term.
All my life, my passion has driven me. At times, it so absorbed me that the "thing" that I was trying to make happen, would become my obsessive thought. I'd push, pull, and at times, start up my "bulldozer" to try and push, pull, move and make things happen. I suppose it is really an element of myself that reveals----I like to be in control. There is also a streak inside of me that is ethical---meaning I need things to be fair for everyone. The trouble with that is: "the world is not fair". So couple my passion with the desire for the fairness along with a mouth that is not afraid to say what needs to be said----
well-----not everyone appreciates my drive or my passionate need to be in control.
I've never like the word surrender. It reminds me of old cowboy and indian shows where there was always a victor and always someone who has something taken or has to make the choice to give something important "up".
Much of my energy in life has been channeled into controlling my world, controlling the inner emotions that vibrate and bubble, controlling the pain that resonates deep inside that I'm often afraid to let out, controlling my relationships by always being ahead in the "dance of life"---I like to call the next dance, choose the music that plays and direct who gets on the dance floor.
I'm not saying these characteristics in myself are all negative qualities---I guess I am just realizing---my drive can and does hold me back from experiencing all I might experience because I'm trying to get the next thing done.
Choosing the rocky path, the long mountain climb, the path not taken has most often been my mode of living. It has brought many a great adventures, taught me many great lessons and helped me encouter many wonderful newfound friends. I doubt much of this will ever change---it is who I am. I see it even in my daily grind---at the gym, I'm probably the only forty something girl who watches the twenty five year old boys and aspires to lift as much weight as them, pull myself up the same number of times or beat them in sit-ups. I aspire to this....not that I can do it....it's the over achiever first born in me who always thought the trick to getting folks to love me was through accomplishments and overkill and being the best----that's why any project I've ever done is "too over done".
A teacher and healer friend of mine handed me a poem the other day about surrender. I was taken back a bit and didn't even read it for a few days.....you know I don't like giving up.................on anything. I finally read it....
the gist of the narrative was this: Stop waiting, don't buy another how to book, don't need to make a therapy appointment or talk it over with your friends............
Right now....in the silence of the world..........hold out your hands and give it up.....all the pain, all the drive, all the need to control.....................hum...funny how someone you just met can hand you just what you need to hear.
I've wrestled with the concept of this poem since I've recieved it. I don't like allowing anyone or anything to have control or to guide my path. It is a scary thing....I'm trying to trust it..trying to not control.........trying really hard...........to live in the moment and be.
So on this Friday morning (thank you God!), I open up my hands, I open up my heart, I open up all that old stuff that I've held in the pit of my stomach, covered up with food and weight and I make my offering to the UNIVERSE----may IT take my balled up energy and use it and me
for goodness in the world--------------that's what I've really always wanted anyway-----to give goodness and love and to somehow change the world a bit at a time.............
I hope the Universe can handle my stuff...........we'll see what happens as I try to keep my hands and heart open and my controlling mechanism on hold.
Have a wonderful weekend and blessings to you all!