Are you satisfied?......

Open your eyes and look within.

Are you satisfied with the life your livin'?

Bob Marley

Are you?

satisfied that is?

I found this Bob Marley quote interesting. 

It invited me to think a bit about my own level of satisfaction.

Am I satisfied?

As I asked myself, I heard the rattle of the question around within my head a rambling question....

What is satisfaction--what does it mean?

so I looked it up....

Satisfaction:  fulfillment of one's expectations, wishes, needs or the pleasure derived from such.

Hum...Satisfaction....

Am I satisfied?

That is the question of the evening?

right now.....do I have it?

I look back on the past years of my life.

Early years I spent trying to finish school, trying to become something,

something that would contribute to society, make my family proud, pay my bills

and

ultimately change the world in some small or big way.

My ambition's were often big...way bigger than necessary.

After getting my BS degree, I continued to take classes.

At first, I was going to go to med school---and then after working 60 hour weeks working in blood banking and bone marrow harvesting and t-cell depletion---I decided that it wasn't the life for me.

I continued to take classes---at this point in my life---if I had to provide a number for the number of hours I have accumulated over the years---well let's just say the number is way, way, up there.

I wanted to go to med school---mainly because it was a way for me to fulfill my longing to provide people with tools for healing---it has taken me a long time to realize that the tools I wanted to give are often the last offered in the realm of medicine---the spiritual aspect of healing.

I suppose that was the only way I knew to venture into the realm of ministry without actually having to say that was what I was doing.

Then there was my pharmacy phase, my specialty in blood bank and immunohematology phase,

my adventure diving into histology and the tiny bugs or microbes found in the study of microbiology.

I pushed myself to work hard at my career, climbing up the career ladder. 

I soon became a supervisor in the health care setting and found it to be fulfilling to a degree.

After several years in this position, I became discontent and bored with the work.

I took another supervisor position in a tertiary care center.   This challenged me for a while

and then my discontent began to rumble once again.....

I got antsy and even though I was now married with two tiny children,

I felt the pull to leave my job

and

finally pursue

a vocational calling of a life in ministry.

In seminary, I was driven to excel.  I studied hard, often at the cost of my children and my husband.

When I look back on this time---there were many lost memories where I had my nose in a scholarly book doing intellectual head work, when I should have been sitting on the floor

playing Lego's and reading and coloring with my children----hindsight is often painful.

I left seminary with visions of fulfilling my life-long dream of becoming a pastor.

I interviewed all over the U.S.  I traveled and sent out papers and wrote letters and answered questionnaires.   My hopes got up more times than I can count and the level of disappointment rose each time I would be down to the last two candidates and the male would be chosen over me.

My heart broke in half as I discovered the church was often more a center for business than a center for healing and hope and love.  After seeking a full-time call for two years, while working part-time in a church, I decided to pull my papers.   For financial reasons, I decided to go back to work in health care and preach and do retreats on the side.

I was bitter, hurt, discontent and angry at what I thought was a useless journey.

My work in health care was difficult and while I loved being with patients,

the other issues of working in an institution have often left me frustrated,

feeling hopeless and sometimes angry.

I couldn't seem to get 'no satisfaction'.

Then one morning after hiking with a minister friend in Indiana, I called my husband.  "Big Daddy sounded breathless and when I asked what was going on, he described the symptoms of a heart attack. He was 47.  His father had his first heart attack at 47 and his grandfather died of a heart attack at the age of 47.   I begged him to call 911.  He refused saying he wouldn't go until I returned home. 

I jumped in the car--scared out of my mind---and drove like a bat out of hell back home.

I packed a quick bag and then stubborn Big Daddy went to a job interview on the way to a the hospital--he was sweating, could barely walk or talk..but he went to the interview.

Needless to say he did not get the job!!!!

By the time I dropped him at the ER and parked the car, he was really out of breath.

I got inside and they were already working on him.

Fear rose inside of me.....my insides screamed....I pulled from my pastoral presence and tried to hold a calm demeanor for Big Daddy.  Within 15 minutes he was on the way to a heart cath where he had two stents put in.

Life as I knew it.....ended that day.

I thought of all the times I'd wasted,

not paying attention to Big Daddy,

not enjoying my family,

not being present to them because i was working in my head....

something switched....

all that dissatisfaction...

all the discontent...

all the pushing and searching and seeking...

well

Life shifted...

ever so subtle for me in that moment....

I realized..

all i have is the present moment...

can't go back...

not promised another one...

so

I now try to make the best of

the one moment I have right now,

right here...

well that's what I've got....

and

it is enough.

Each moment..

it is a gift...

to be lived,

to be cherished,

to offer our love to the world.

to change it ..

bit by bit..

person by person.

I'm not work driven anymore,

i am more present centered....

and

that dear friends

allows me now to say it...

Satisfaction....

ah yes..

I know what that is....

I've got it and it is good...

Life is good.

My cup runneth over, my heart springs with joy,

and

the love I've held inside all this time is bubbling out to the world.

I am satisfied...that's what I am!

If you are struggling to find it yourself,

get quiet for a minute,

look inside..

find what brings it

and

hold onto it with all you've got....

Satisfaction...

it is worth the surrender.

I promise.

Have a wonderful night,

hugs and blessings.