ARE YOU REAL? ......ramblings and ponderings....read if you dare.

Joan: You are not real!
God: So people keep telling me.

FROM THE TV SHOW:  JOAN OF ARCADIA

TONIGHT i WAS WALKING AND RUNNING ON THE TREADMILL,

AND LET ME TELL YOU, i WANTED TO BE ANYWHERE BUT WHERE I WAS....

THE TRAINER HAD WORKED ME OUT REALLY HARD AND I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO DO ANY KIND OF CARIO....

IT WAS A MELANCHOLY KIND OF DAY...

WORK AT THE UNIVERSITY

 WAS THE SAME OLE...SAME OLE...

SAME OLD TROUBLE..

SAME OLD PEOPLE...

same OLD BUSY...

SAME OLD ONE MORE THING TO WORRY ABOUT...

AS I HALF-HEARTEdlY RAN, I FOUND MYSELF REFLECTING UPON

WHAT WAS MAKING ME SO WEARY DURING THIS

HOLY WEEK ---NOW I'M SURE SOME OF YOU ARE

SICK OF HEARING ME WRITE ABOUT HOLY WEEK..BUT

I REALLY THINK THAT IS WHAT MY ISSUES ARE  all about....

WHEN I WORKED IN THE CHURCH,

HOLY WEEK WAS A VERY BUSY WEEK..

THERE WAS PALM SUNDAY,

FOLLOWED BY MAUNDAY THURSDAY

FOLLOWED BY TENEBRAE SERVICE ON GOOD FRIDAY,

SATURDAY PRAYER

THEN PLACEMENT OF THOSE EASTER LILLIES IN THE SANCTUARY WHILE MARY AND I BLASTED JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR,

EASTER BREAKFAST,

TRUMPETS

AND HE IS RISEN...

and then the post liturgical week rest...

hum....it hit me..and i realized the weariness that was weighting me down....

i reside now in the secular world, but

i'm still working in the liturgical time zone of the church calendar....

i felt a bit lost...

as i thought about it..

about that time, i looked out the window at the girl

i had labeled as a not-so-cute teen...

i watched her...

she had changed from her t-shirt and shorts

into Gothic pants and black t-shirt...

the pants were those

wide bottom pants with chains hanging down...

black converse

Lucille ball red hair

and

a cigarette hanging out her mouth....

i watched her..

wondering what her story was...

she seemed sad.... and a bit disconnected...

i wondered how her parents (i guess that's who they were) could sit

in the car and let her stand out smoking after she had just worked out....

what a judge i was...I wondered alot about her

and i judged her some as well.

hey, was that you i saw there at the gym

dressed in that weird outfit...

smoking that thing---i'm sure you didn't inhale...

i didn't think about it until I was already home..

perhaps you just came and stood so

i might be able to recall what i missed about you...

perhaps..

it was prep for that question

my son

had for me as soon as i sat down tonight...

"mom, do you believe in GOD?"

I said, yeah..today I do.

truth is i do have those days where i'm not so sure....don't we you?

I waited a minute and held my breath and then i said,"what about you? do you believe in God?"

He quickly answered, "nope---and i felt my heart drop...and then he went on to say...

not in the traditional sense of the church...i believe in something..it just doesn't look like what other people think IT looks like"...

I smiled..."well we kinda believe the same then"

I found myself wondering..

if perhaps, i'd been too honest and open with the kids,

perhaps...I should not have taken them to those seminary classes during their formative years...I guess they listened as they colored and played with legos on the floor next to my desk....perhaps I destroyed the myth before it was formed...

I'll never forget when my daughter who was six asked  my husband if he believed in a literal Resurrection or a spiritual resurrection after attending class...  my husband told me to tell them not to ask their church school teacher the same question"

i've always let them live in the questions...

let them think out loud about their faith and everything else...and I've always been okay with what ever they were wrestling with....

so.....now I'll have the nerve to ask you what everyone else would like to ask...

ARE YOU REAL?

Are you really out there, God.  It's me....

or

are you in here? inside of me...part of me..

or both...

Was that you at the gym,

was that you who prodded my son to ask that question that got me to thinking about you and how I missed the church cycle of time?

was that you today in that woman i helped at the clinic?

or

in the brutal honesty and integrity of that young man i sat across from?

During this Holy Week...

I find myself

looking,

seeking,

needing you to be in the very air I breath....

sometimes,

when I breath deep

I feel you...

moving and mixing your love inside of me,

beating in my heart,

helping me to see the world through a different set of lenses.

Could it be?

ARE you?

from the first moment i recall,

there is a sense that you have been there

all along,

woven and enmeshed inside of me in a way that i can't describe,

i feel you empower me

sometimes imagine your unknown arms wrapped around me

lifting me up

feel you beckon me...

feel you, smell you, taste you.

you are the life-force that pulses though me,

the breath in my being,

the light on my face

and that which holds me up when I think I'm gonna fall.

so

b.

the answer to your question

is Yes.....I believe

...I believe just like you.....

just not in the traditional sense.

so for today.

I am thankful for your visit...

I kinda liked those weird pants...

the hair--well you'd look better with a lighter shade...and quit that smoking it's bad for you even if you are God....

I miss the ritual...

but perhaps,

together

we are creating new ones....at least

for today,

you helped me get through the workout on the treadmill...

I DO HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU???...

Are you Real?

WHAT I HAVE TO MAKE UP MY OWN MIND.....

FOR TODAY....

yes....for me yes...VERY REAL TODAY...

but not in the traditional sense...

wow what a wednesday